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Taking care of those you love is one of the greatest joys in life. Healthy relationships are rooted in selflessness, kindness, and acts of service. But there is a fine line between being a giving person and being codependent. Codependent relationships are grounded in fear – fear of not being enough, fear of being abandoned, fear of intimacy and so much more.
What’s worse, codependency also places people in a position to become a victim of psychological and physical abuse. A codependent person lacks the boundaries and assertiveness needed to make the right choices for their relationships, leaving them vulnerable and trapped in a destructive cycle for months or even years.
Ending codependency takes honesty, patience, and humility. It does not happen all at once, and it often accompanies many tough decisions. But being self-aware, recognizing whether you or a partner or codependent and taking the steps to build confidence and emotional security will have a lasting impact on your life.
What is Codependency?
Codependency is a term that is often misused to refer to someone who is clingy or “needy,” but it is so much more than that. This common understanding rose to popularity in the 1980s, but the term “codependency” has its roots in the formation of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and its famous 12-step program.
In modern psychology, codependency is known as a pattern of enabling behaviors where one person assumes the responsibility and role of a “caretaker” in a relationship due to their own insecurity and fears.
Codependent relationships are one-sided where one person relies heavily on their partner, child or another person to feel emotionally validated and worthy. A codependent person’s self-esteem is nonexistent, so they go out of their way to make sure they prove themselves valuable to others.
What causes codependency?
Codependency often originates from early childhood patterns where the child was conditioned to believe that their needs and feelings were not as important as everyone else’s. Children from dysfunctional families often develop a wide array of coping mechanisms and distorted beliefs about themselves and others that they don’t realize are unhealthy until adulthood. Some may not even realize their codependent qualities until they begin to exhibit them with their own children.
Children who grew up in an abusive household or had to assume the role of a caretaker often develop the belief that their needs and emotions are not important. They learn to put others before themselves, always making sacrifices to keep other people happy. They may have learned that being “needed” is the same as being loved, and they often feel guilty forever expressing their own wants.
People who are codependent need to fix things in order to feel like they are worthwhile. For many children whose codependency is rooted in their formative years, being able to provide for others was how they learned to avoid abandonment. The need to be of service never disappears as they grow up, and they go through life feeling like they must always fix everyone else’s problems.
What are the signs and symptoms of codependency?
When asking, “Am I a codependent?” it can be hard to define the exact behaviors. Every person is different, and they may express their codependency in ways that another person never would. Personality and environment play a large role in how a person’s codependency develops, but there are some common signs and feelings that most people with this issue can relate to.
The most important thing a codependent person needs is security. They will do anything they can to achieve this, though nothing is ever truly enough to make them feel worthy. Building self-esteem, learning how to set healthy boundaries and stop enabling behaviors are the gateway to freedom for those who wish to break free from the cycle. All of this is done through mental health treatment with a compassionate, patient counselor.
Codependency and Enabling
Codependent people have a deep need to feel accepted, but they do not feel worthy enough to be welcomed by anyone “as is.” As a result, they need to prove themselves by taking on the role of caretaker for people in order to feel wanted and demonstrate their usefulness.
When addiction is involved, codependent relationships can worsen a person’s mental health and substance use disorder by providing them the resources they need to continue using rather than seeking help for themselves. Enabling and codependency only worsen substance abuse, and neither person ever gets the help they need to live the way they deserve.
For parents, enabling might seem like their only choice. When their teenager or college-aged student develops a substance use disorder or mental illness, they may think that they’re just taking care of them. A good way to tell the difference between enabling and helping is to ask the question, “Does this help them progress or keep them comfortable?”
Enabling is stagnant. People who are codependent are afraid of growth because they view it as uncertainty. Parents who enable adult children may fear what will happen if they push their child to receive help, but enabling ultimately leads to far greater pain and loss.
Overcoming Codependency Together
Being codependent ultimately deprives you of true intimacy and love. Everyone deserves to feel accepted exactly as they are. Learning the origins of your own codependency can help you put an end to toxic relationships and even help a loved one who is suffering from addiction.
Through therapy, you can get answers to questions like:
Contact us at Mission Harbor today to learn more about our counseling services, addiction treatment, and recovery programs.
The facilities at Mission Harbor are staffed with trained experts to best assist patients with their mental health issues. We are capable of dealing with any and all cases with a licensed staff, equipment, and approved techniques. Our mission is to help those who want to help themselves, and we support your decision in seeking help.
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