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When you marry your spouse, you make vows to each other. You vow that you are going to be there for each other through sickness and health, among other things. So, when one spouse develops an addiction or brings an addiction into the relationship, your vows are truly tested. The issue some couples run into is that instead of helping their spouse who is struggling with addiction, they end up enabling them, which can lead down a dark path.
The following is some information about marriage, addiction and enabling, and it’s good to reflect and think about these things. For example, you should know what is an enabler.
Keep in mind that millions in the United States are abusing at least one substance. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration conducts annual surveys on the topic.
The 2015 survey found that:
The numbers were not exact on how many of those using a substance were also married, but professionals in the field estimated that many were at least cohabiting with another person. Substance abuse puts a serious strain on a relationship. Things become complicated when there are other issues, too, such as money. Children make things difficult as well.
What is the Difference between Enabling and Helping?
It is important to remember that the only person who can help an addict is themselves. Everyone else is there for guidance, support or as a reminder. Someone who is abusing a substance has to acknowledge that they have a problem. Then, they have to want to deal with it, and eventually, overcome the addiction. It is no one else’s job to enforce sobriety. You can attempt to enforce boundaries, but sobriety has to be the addict’s choice.
Private rehabilitation centers like ours, Mission Harbor Behavioral Health, offer a variety of programs that unearth the reason why the addiction is occurring. The ultimate goal is to prepare a patient to live in a sober manner again after treatment.
As a spouse, you are supposed to be supportive, encouraging and loving. Unfortunately, with an addict, this leads to enabling. Sobriety enforcer is not one of your responsibilities as a spouse. You are not trained for this job. Even rehabilitation professionals are not trained to be sobriety enforcers. They are sobriety guides at best.
What is an Enabler?
Helping occurs when you direct your spouse toward attending a meeting, encouraging them to call their sponsor or suggesting that they should enter a rehabilitation program when they are struggling with addiction. Enabling occurs when you do not set down behavior boundaries, or there are boundaries, but they are blurred.
How Enabling Spouses Affect Addiction
A spouse who becomes an enabler affects addiction. While it may not be done on purpose, your love, support and vows get turned against you. You become a buffer when you allow relapses to go unnoticed. If you are told that it is the last time or that it is the last hit, you are setting the addict up for failure. The longer the substance abuse goes on, the more difficult it becomes to achieve sobriety.
Why Spouses Enable
Most relationships are built on love, trust and support. It is safe to assume that most spouses do not intend to enable the other’s addiction. Since there is an emotional attachment, essentially snitching is a bridge too far for some people.
There are situations when codependent relationships exist. Relationships where one spouse enables the other to participate in self-destructive behavior do occur. In a way, the sober spouse takes on a savior complex. Their life revolves around saving their loved one instead of helping that person save themselves. There are also cases where the spouse who is abusing at least once substance encourages the other to participate, too, which is another form of codependent relationships.
How Enabling Spouses Can Negatively Affect Recovery
When a sober spouse watches a relapse occur once, twice or more times, they inadvertently become a participant. A spouse that is an enabler, knowingly or not, has a negative impact on the recovery of the other. Some professionals expect a relapse to occur because they see addiction as a chronic illness. A chronic illness never goes away. It may be be less present at times, but it is always lying under the surface.
How to Set Healthy Boundaries After Treatment
While you are not going to be able to relapse-proof your home for your spouse after treatment is completed, there are still steps you can take that work toward that goal. During treatment such as outpatient drug and alcohol rehab, the patient is asked to dig deep. You can use this time to explore your role, too.
Some questions to ask include:
It is also wise to clear the home of any temptations.
The first step toward recovery is entering rehabilitation treatment. Treatment is where the work begins. The true test, however, comes when the program is completed and an attempt to live sober again begins. A study conducted by JAMA: The Journal of the American Medical Association found that 40-60% of patients relapse within the first year after treatment.
You play an important role in your spouse’s recovery. The team at our rehabilitation center can offer you additional guidance and tips. We are here to help both of you regain your lives and marriage.
To help you or your spouse receive the care and treatment needed, Mission Harbor Behavioral Health is here to help. Our outpatient drug and alcohol rehab program is at your disposal. Give us a call today.
The facilities at Mission Harbor are staffed with trained experts to best assist patients with their mental health issues. We are capable of dealing with any and all cases with a licensed staff, equipment, and approved techniques. Our mission is to help those who want to help themselves, and we support your decision in seeking help.
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