We are now offering Telehealth treatment options.
The home and the marital relationship are supposed to be sources of comfort and healing from the impersonal chaos of the outside world. But when a spouse is addicted to drugs or alcohol, the home goes from a place of stability to a place of turmoil. In worst-case scenarios, substance abuse can turn a loving partner into an abusive stranger. Trust is the basis for a stable marital relationship, but addiction severely undermines that trust and can destroy the feelings that two people once had for each other.
When children are involved, the situation takes an even more complicated and tragic turn. If both partners are addicted to drugs or alcohol, the problems can quickly multiply. How can non-addicted spouses help their partner in recovery without enabling? It’s a fine line to walk, but education and understanding are the keys to helping a spouse stay clean and preserve the relationship.
What’s the difference between helping a partner, versus enabling a partner?
Engaging in enabling behavior doesn’t necessarily mean the spouse is naive or codependent. Many spouses and other loved ones of an addicted person will enable the behavior for a variety of reasons. Most of the time, spouses enable because they are afraid of the consequences, to either themselves or other people they love. But offering support to an addicted partner can be exhausting, and it’s easy for non-addicted spouses to lose sight of their needs. Being emotionally fatigued, and worried about the legal, financial, and societal consequences of addiction can cause anyone to fall into enabling behavior.
Enabling means a partner or loved one makes it possible for an addicted person to continue using drugs or drinking rather than face the consequences of their behavior. In the vast majority of cases, partners who enable do not realize what they are doing on a conscious level. Some examples of enabling behavior include the following:
- Paying for a loved one’s legal fees if they are charged with a violation in direct relation to their addiction.
- Accompanying a spouse to bars or other events where they will be drinking to prevent them from driving drunk, even if staying out causes detrimental effects in the sober spouse’s career or personal life.
- Making excuses or lying for an addicted loved one to explain their absences at events.
- Telling people that the spouse is “sick” when they are in withdrawal from drugs or hungover from drinking.
If a spouse continues to lie, make excuses or make up stories and explanations for a partner that allow them to deny they have a problem with drugs or alcohol, this is indicative of enabling behavior. For most people, they are taught to support their spouse, and when a person loves an addicted individual, protecting them from negative consequences can seem like the right thing to do. When a sober spouse is codependent, they will make excuses and lie for their addicted loved one for a sense of self-worth, power, or to give themselves a purpose for their life. Unfortunately, people with codependent issues often undermine a spouse’s recovery so they can stay in control or maintain their self-esteem. Regardless of why a spouse or loved one is enabling an addict, speaking to a counselor or therapist about these dynamics can give spouses the tools they need to stop enabling behavior and genuinely support their partner in recovery.
How and when should spouses help an addicted partner?
When a loved one is addicted to drugs and alcohol, it’s very easy for partners to ignore their own needs and fall into codependent or enabling patterns. At the core of helping a spouse overcome addiction is the idea of setting healthy boundaries and engaging in self-care. Some examples of establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries may look like the following:
- Not letting an addicted partner’s negative moods affect how the non-addicted spouse feels.
- Letting other family members take responsibility for themselves, such as allowing school-aged children to pack their lunches.
- Making sure to get help from professionals, therapists, or going to Al-Anon, or seeking emotional support from other people outside the home.
- Going to the doctor, taking medications, and making sure to eat healthy, exercise, and get enough rest.
- Managing stress effectively with healthy activities like listening to inspirational podcasts, making time for supportive friends, or attending a support group for spouses of addicts.
What are some ways a spouse can help an addicted partner during and after addiction recovery?
In the past, professionals believed the best way to help an addicted person was to isolate them from the family and focus their treatment on what they could do and how to change their behavior. But today, addiction specialists believe that treating the family is one of the most effective methods for helping a person achieve and maintain sobriety. Attending couples therapy with a therapist who specializes in addiction and family dynamics is ideal for making sure both partners’ needs are met during the crucial process of recovery. Therapists can teach the couple how to resolve conflicts and improve their communication. Couples will also learn in therapy how to create and then execute a blueprint for recovery that takes into account everyone’s specific needs and preferences.
Also, attending therapy separately can help non-addicted spouses understand and prevent enabling or codependent behavior. It’s also critical that spouses understand that once a person completes inpatient or outpatient rehab, they won’t be magically “cured.” Addiction is a chronic illness that requires lifelong care and maintenance. Therapists can show spouses how to protect the person in recovery and the marital relationship from the chaos of relapse. Removing artwork and other items from the home that promote or would remind a spouse of using is crucial. Also, stocking the house with non-alcoholic drinks, and making sure narcotic medications are out of easy reach can help manage the cravings that are a normal part of the recovery process.
If you or someone you love is struggling with addiction to drugs or alcohol, there is hope for your family. Contact the addiction specialists at Mission Harbor Behavioral Health today to learn more about rehab and detox treatment options.
The facilities at Mission Harbor are staffed with trained experts to best assist patients with their mental health issues. We are capable of dealing with any and all cases with a licensed staff, equipment, and approved techniques. Our mission is to help those who want to help themselves, and we support your decision in seeking help.
Get Help Now
Alcohol addiction is extremely difficult to overcome on your own.. Seek specialized help and let professionals guide you in your recovery.