When it comes to processing emotions, there are different expectations for men and women. Because women are often viewed as “sensitive,” it’s socially acceptable for them to express their feelings, like sadness or fear. But men, who are seen as strong and fearless, are not encouraged to outwardly express their emotions.
These cultural norms and gender stereotypes have been circulating for generations, and they can be toxic, especially for males. Men who express their emotions are often seen as weak. Because of that, many men neglect to show their emotions because they’re afraid of the repercussions. However, suppressing emotions and feelings can be incredibly detrimental to a man’s mental health.
Why Do Men Hide Their Emotions?
From a young age, many boys are taught that expressing emotion goes against what it means to be a man. Things like crying or asking for help are seen as weaknesses, and sadly, these beliefs are reinforced by parents, peers, media, and culture. Over time, these beliefs become internalized, and as adults, those same boys may continue to hold back how they feel because they’ve been told it’s unsafe or unacceptable to show their feelings.
Furthermore, while women are more likely to get diagnosed with depression or anxiety, over 6 million men experience depression each year. Yet, many men go undiagnosed or untreated, whether they’re afraid to express themselves or they’re afraid of the consequences of expressing themselves.
Recent research also shows that men experience emotions just as strongly as women. They sometimes even show more emotion during things like a breakup. However, because emotional expression doesn’t align with traditional views of masculinity, those feelings get redirected. Instead of talking about their grief, many men will channel their emotions into anger or withdrawal. In fact, anger, aggression, and stoicism are seen as strengths and more stereotypically masculine.
The Consequences of Emotional Avoidance
Part of what makes us human is our ability to feel our feelings and process our emotions. When we’re happy, we want to smile and show excitement. When we’re angry, our body tenses up and our voice level rises. When we’re sad, we naturally want to cry.
When we avoid those emotions, it can lead to a number of consequences, including mental health disorders. Suppressing emotions can lead to depression and anxiety, but for men especially, it can also increase their risk of suicide. Men are much more likely to commit suicide than women. In 2023, men died by suicide nearly four times more often than women.
Over time, men get really good at turning off their emotions or coping with their feelings in a way that is more acceptable for males. It creates a cycle of toxic masculinity, which can be hard to break once it’s a habit.
What Does Being Vulnerable Mean?
Vulnerability is making an intentional choice to express what you’re feeling rather than hiding it. You don’t need to overshare or be emotional all the time to be vulnerable, but you do need to be honest.
For a lot of men, vulnerability doesn’t come naturally, and it can feel uncomfortable. Here’s what vulnerability can look like:
- Saying you’re overwhelmed instead of pretending you’re fine
- Acknowledging when something hurt instead of brushing it off
- Asking for clarity or support instead of shutting down
- Admitting a mistake without covering it up
- Letting someone in instead of pushing them away
Common Myths About Vulnerability
A big reason men avoid vulnerability is because of the lies they’ve been told about what it means. Let’s break down a few of the most common myths:
- Myth #1: Vulnerability makes you look weak.
In reality, vulnerability takes strength, whereas it’s easy to shut down or deflect. It’s harder to be honest, especially when it might not go how you want.
- Myth #2: Real men don’t cry.
Crying is a normal emotional response that does not mean you’re dramatic, but human. Suppressing tears keeps you disconnected from what you actually feel.
- Myth #3: I always have to be strong and self-reliant.
There’s nothing wrong with being independent, but isolating yourself emotionally doesn’t make things better. Everyone needs support, and being willing to ask for it shows maturity. Support groups have been found to help people become less isolated.
- Myth #4: Talking about my feelings won’t change anything.
Not talking about your emotions doesn’t make them disappear. It just buries them, and the longer you carry that weight on your shoulders, the more it will show up in your relationships and your own well-being.
Why Being Emotionally Open Matters For Men’s Mental Health
Research shows that avoiding emotions contributes to distress, burnout, and symptoms of depression. Expressing emotion, on the other hand, can reduce internal pressure and help you reconnect with yourself and others.
Other benefits of being emotionally open include:
- Increases self-awareness and emotional regulation
- Strengthens trust and connection in relationships
- Prevents emotional buildup that can cause a blowup or shutdown
- Breaks cycles of toxic masculinity that discourage emotional expression
- Challenges harmful norms that encourage risky behavior and emotional isolation
How Can Men Become More Emotionally Vulnerable?
Many men were never shown how to be emotionally open; they were just told not to be. As a result, they learned to survive by shutting things down.
Vulnerability isn’t a weakness. In fact, bestselling author Brené Brown, PhD said that courage and vulnerability go hand in hand. If you want one, you have to practice the other.
Here’s how to start:
Learn to Identify and Name Emotions
If you’re not taught your emotions, you likely have a limited emotional vocabulary, making your default anger or indifference. Naming what you feel helps you regulate it.
Start with the basic emotions: anger, sadness, fear, disgust, happiness, and surprise. When you feel an emotion, pause and try to describe them. Therapists will often use tools like emotion wheels or feelings charts for this reason.
Research also supports the practice “name it to tame it,” which is a strategy that helps connect emotional responses to language. This can reduce the intensity of the emotion and increase self-awareness.
Challenge Internalized Beliefs About Masculinity
Outdated beliefs about masculinity can make vulnerability feel unsafe. Many of these beliefs were learned and absorbed without question. Recent studies have shown how common this is:
- 59% of men said they were taught to act strong even when they felt afraid
- 52% said they were told boys shouldn’t cook, clean, or take care of others
- 1 in 3 boys believes showing sadness or fear makes them seem weak
Unfortunately, these harmful beliefs shape how men relate to themselves and the people around them.
This about what you associate with being a man. Have you ever avoided something because it felt too feminine? Have you ever stayed quiet instead of speaking honestly?
Be honest with yourself and choose to respond differently, even if it takes effort. That includes calling out outdated ideas when you hear them and being willing to have uncomfortable but necessary conversations.
Find Therapeutic Hobbies
You don’t need to talk through every emotion to process it. Sometimes the best way to move through what you’re feeling is by doing something with your hands, your body, or your focus.
Research shows that creative or physical hobbies can reduce symptoms of depression, anxiety, and stress. They also improve your mood and help you feel more connected with yourself, especially when emotions are hard to name or express directly.
Some examples of hobbies include:
- Journaling or writing
- Music or woodworking
- Martial arts or weight training
- Gardening or hands-on projects
These types of hobbies give you a safe space to express yourself.
What if You’re Not Used to Talking About Feelings?
If expressing your emotions is difficult, it’s okay. It’s normal for it to feel uncomfortable at first. Think of it like any other skill. If you were never allowed to use it, it’s no surprise that it’ll feel awkward.
Even if you don’t know how to put something into words, say that. You don’t need to explain everything; just start by recognizing and learning to name your feelings. Working with a therapist can help, but so can practicing with people you trust, including partners, close friends, and family.
Let Your Guard Down with Mission Behavioral Health
You don’t need to share your feelings with everyone, but shutting down completely isn’t the answer either. Avoiding your emotions might give you the illusion of control, but it can actually make things more difficult over time.
If you’re ready to start working through your emotions, support is available. Mission Behavioral Health offers therapy for men who want to better understand their emotions, improve their relationships, and break out of old patterns. Reach out today to schedule an appointment and get started.
